oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Someone shattered a urinal.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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