Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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