My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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