I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
