All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
