They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
