And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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