I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
