yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
