peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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