Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
