I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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