life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
