went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
