Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
