Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
