She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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