The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
