So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
