I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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