Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
