I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
