My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We need a shit load of segways right now
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
