Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
