Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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