i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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