I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
