Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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