my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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