My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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