I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
