physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
