I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
it's like heaven, but drunker
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
