yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
