just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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