apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
