Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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