Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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