Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So many bounce houses so little time
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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