Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
