My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
