i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
