theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
