Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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