I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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