Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
