Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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