dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
