yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
