Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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