From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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