In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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