Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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