I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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