I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
