I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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