i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Sober January is a disaster.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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